Soul Bleed

"All violence, all that is dreary and repels, is not power, but the absence of power."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson 

This has been the WORST Christmas ever dude! I just cant deal with this anymore, Im drained. The day started off cool, I got everything I asked for.. finally got a new phone, some clothes, shoes and other stuff. After dinner, I begged ____ to take me to the movies to see Dreamgirls (Beyonce!) cause it came out today. So he took me cause its Christmas and for once he was in a pretty good mood. So when we got there I ordered a big ass bag of popcorn and some skittles and he was like 'u just ate 3 plates of food, and now this.. i guess you wanna be fat' and i was thinking to myself damn you counted my plates? can i live? but i didnt say anything cause i didnt wanna piss him off. after we sit down, im all into the movie and halfway into my bag of popcorn and he leaned over and told me to stop eating it. I very honestly thought he was joking so I like chuckled a little and kept eating. Next thing you know he smacked the popcorn out of my hand and on the floor! And the the people next to us were looking like... damn?! So I started crying and he got up and left. I didnt go after him because I just wanted to let him calm down, I couldnt get into it because I was feeling so bad but I tried to watch the movie anyway. Then I realized he had been gone for like 30 minutes so I went out and looked for him and he told me he was ready to leave. When we got in the car I told him I wanted to say bye to my fam before we left Nashville and he didnt say anything. The whole ride home was very quiet. We got to the house and he asked me why I didnt leave the movie when he left. I told him I was tryna let him calm down and that pissed him off. Then shit got SO out of hand... I had got comfortable by then and he jerked me up and pushed me outside in the FREEZING cold with nothing but a sweatshirt and a pair of panties on!! I was outside banging on the door and screaming, no neighbors came out, nothing. And I know they were home. After like 10 minutes of me freezin my ass off, he opened the door, drug me back inside and told me to shut the fuck up. He was yelling in my face and slammed me up against the wall. I didnt fight back, I didnt even say anything. He kicked me in my stomach and I told him I was gonna call the police. He told me go ahead and threw his phone at me and it hit me dead in my mouth. After that, he finally left the room and I could not have been more relieved. I thought he left altogether but his car was still there when I looked out the window. He was just sitting outside. For a long ass time though. Finally he came back in and this damn fool was outside crying, apparently. He was still crying when he came in. He told me how sorry he was and he wouldnt blame me if I left him. Then he said he would die if I did. It scares the hell outta me when he says stuff like that. I dont get him dude, its like why keep saying Im sorry over and over for the same thing. Everybody loves him, but they just dont know about all this psycho shit. Im at the point where I dont know what to do anymore, if I left I would have to drop out of school and quit work and everything because I dont even know anybody here I could stay with and I do love ___ because when its bad its real bad but when its good, its great. He has been through anger management and it didnt work, my prayers arent working. I dont know what to do! We been together years but this last year has been hell, pure torture. He is in there sleep right now and I almost wanna stab his ass. My stomach feels better but I think I got  a bruise forming on my back. I gotta get the hell away from here.

Whew. That is a word for word entry of my journal, circa December of 2006. I was involved in an extremely abusive relationship. This particular account wasn't the first time that he assaulted me... it also wasn't the first time I had talked about leaving, and it wouldn't be the last. By that time he'd been arrested twice, I'd experienced several injuries at the hands of him, and he had threatened to kill me on several different occasions. I finally got the courage to leave him almost a month after this journal entry because of another incident that I did not document, but he pulled some of my hair out. That was in January; I moved back home and he called every minute on the minute, showed up at my house, left flowers and notes, sent a horrible picture of his male appendage to my mother, threatened the new guy I was seeing, showed up on my birthday with a bunch of gifts... he was pretty much stalking me. I had gotten a job at Target and my manager banned him from even coming in the store, he was there so much. In April, I went and filed an order of protection against him and that finally slowed his calls and texts up and he stopped popping up at my house. 


I know what you're thinking..

 Why did you stay?

At the time I had convinced myself that I was there because of school, because of work, because I thought he might kill me if I left, because I thought he might kill himself if I left, because I loved him. Ironically I stayed because he might have killed me if I left, then I left because he might have killed me if I stayed.


Those were all reasons why I stayed but none of them were the MAIN reason. The reason I stayed is because I was ADDICTED TO ABUSE. Yep, addicted. He made me feel like I wasn't worth anything to anyone and those feelings lingered long after he was out of the picture. Yet strangely, I craved the abuse, cracked it open and drank it like coconut water. I was addicted to abuse and he was addicted to abusing me. I've always been a very naive girl, eager to please, and very trusting. He was my very first relationship and all that knew of what romantic love was supposed to be. I loved him long and hard, I loved that man as much as I loved my next breath. Defying all psychology, I fell into an abusive situation never having witnessed abuse in my home growing up at all. The term 'addicted to abuse' may sound twisted, demented, and sordid but it's much more common than you may think. Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds-chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, incest and child abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiations, kidnapping, professional exploitation and religious abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationship share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power. Maybe addicted isn't the right word I should use. Maybe I should say i was 'used to it'.  It's like walking into a room with a bad smell. The longer you stay in the room, the more the smell will seem to dissipate. Your olfactory system actually adjusts to the offensive odor. It's only by leaving the room that you will recover your sensitivity to the odor. It's the same with high stress, danger or anxiety; your body and mind will adjust-and pay for it. Only after being away from traumatic circumstances will your sensitivity return.


My life after abuse.
After that relationship ended, it left me depleted of all energy. I felt worthless, utterly and completely worthless. I could cry right now thinking of the depression and the desperation to be loved. I felt ugly, I had been convinced that no one wanted me, that I was useless. I got into relationships after that and I vowed never to let another man put his hands on me again but I was still settling for much less than I deserved. My first relationship left me so broken that I thought anything had to be better than that. I was lied to, cheated on, and verbally attacked by the men that followed. I was disrespected, subject to little mind games, and I allowed myself to be called a friend when I was obviously more. I accepted everything because I had a very fragile psyche and had not taken the time to heal properly. Men were always using me and taking advantage of  my caring and compassionate nature. I picked up the strays, the walking wounded, the sorrowful and tried to make them better. I kept looking for love, waiting for that special person who would make me feel like a million dollars and shower me with attention and tenderness. The cycle seemed to always be the same.. I would pay guys no mind and they chased me, then when i started to like them back, they realized they had the upper hand and dogged me out. It wasn't until recently that I realized I attracted emotionally bankrupt men because I was a victim, and in some way, they were too. Hurting people hurt people. I willingly accepted any and everything, the price I paid to be 'loved'. Right now, I am in a good place.. healing has not come easy for me, and it's still a process. It took me a long time to recognize my value, to know that I'm worth so much more than what I've settled for. I have grown to be a proud, confident woman, but I still have fleeting thoughts of not being good enough. My first relationship was so hard on me, and so mentally taxing that it affected my relationships with men for a very long time. I was left for dead, I had no life left in me and every day was as dark as the day before. Recovery was slow but I am learning how to depend on myself for happiness. I enjoy life these days, a far cry from the despair I felt not long ago.


This is for you.
I am writing this for one reason and one reason only. I hope that my words inspire and encourage you or someone you may know to leave an abusive situation. Please understand that it can not and will not end well. You may be feeling the same way as I did; scared, dazed and dependent but loving yourself is priceless. You are a wonderful, loving person and you deserve more than you have ever received. You have to learn to lead with your brain and not with your heart, at least some of the time. You may have seen your mother used and abused and even though you vowed that this would never happen to you, here you are. You said you would never allow yourself to be bruised, battered, or berated but here you are, once more the victim with the heart of gold. You let abuse come your way, storing the incidents up in your mind, each one remembered. You grit your teeth and take it and take it and take it. You don't have to, you really don't. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. So, if you feel contempt for yourself or think very little of yourself, you may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to you. Everything in me is encouraging you to begin process of acknowledging and then letting go of pain, and finding ways to build a happy life. I am trying to send you love through these words and I pray that it's well-received. I repeat, the situation that you are in CANNOT END WELL!! 

• Almost  one-third of female homicide victims  that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner
• In 70-80% of intimate partner homicides, no matter which partner was killed, the man physically abused the woman before the murder
• Less than one-fifth of victims reporting an injury from intimate partner violence sought medical treatment following the injury
• Intimate partner violence results in more than  18.5 million mental health care visits each year

I don't delve into my personal life on this blog much because I feel like it opens me up to judgement, but if my story reaches someone it will be worth it to suffer a little embarrassment. My heart goes out to every woman (and man in some cases) that is going though this because it's simply no way to live. 

If you are willing to be 'unpretty' to save a life, contact me at AbuseAwareness@TasiaXM.com

For the first time, I am opening up a blog post to comments. I would like for you to post any words of encouragement for anyone reading this post that that may feel there is no way out of their violent situation. Send them LOVE.

Peace Up.