"There is a king in you"
-Donald Lawrence
Lets begin this post by throwing out a few statistics:
- 42% of Black Women are single
- 70% of financially successful women are single
- Since 1970 the black marriage rate has dropped by 34% (double that of the general population )
YA'LL KNOW ME.. ya'll know I like to take it back, way back. You will never get rid of a weed unless you pull it up by the ROOT. So lets go back to the roots...
When discussing the issue of independent black women, its important not to silence the experience of black women throughout slavery. Black women were forced to watch their men be removed from the home by any means necessary.. they were murdered, sold, traded etc. Black women witnessed their men being removed from the family unit from day one. This in itself has developed the notion in the minds of African American females that they would have to learn how to manage by themselves.They felt that they could not hope or expect the black man to be around because he could literally disappear at any time. This behavior and mentality has been socialized and passed down from generation to generation, from mothers to daughters.. long after the physical chains were removed. After something has been going on for such a long time, it becomes an entrenched ideal that is easily and unnoticeably passed on.
This has caused an epidemic of sorts in the single black community. Black women learned that in order to get things done, they had to rely upon themselves and began to do so with increasing success. As a result of this, black women learned that they didn't really 'need' black men the way they thought they did - for companionship, for leadership or for money and support. They learned to work and earn money for themselves, raise their children single-handedly, pay their bills, and get their own education, but these lessons came at a cost. And that cost was the sacrifice of a healthy relationship with their future spouses, boyfriends or lovers.
The relationship between black men and women has been in trouble ever since we stepped off the slave ship. For those who have read the infamous "Willie Lynch Letter: The Making of a Slave," know that slave owners broke down the African man in front of the African woman in order to change her view of him from strong to weak. Once the African woman believed that she could no longer be protected and supported by her African King, she became independent. She raised her daughters to be independent as well but raised her sons to dependent and weak minded. There's no surprise that 142 years after the end of slavery, black men and women still have problems creating a family unit. The problem with Black America is that we as a community have lost an understanding of the African-American family. Because one's morals and value systems originate in the home, I believe that many problems in the black community start at the very place we love.
Black women are too sure of themselves, too eager to express their opinion (and disrespect their mans), and too unwilling to listen and be submissive. Today's black women don't seem to even be capable of 'following' a strong black man. 'Following' does not mean 'blindly obeying in the absence of all common sense.' 'Following' means following your husband and trusting him to make the best decisions for your family. (Notice I said HUSBAND, though). When it comes to a man you are married to or want to be married to, he should be treated with the utmost respect if he is continually trying to better himself and make you happy. Black women have become, or should I say remained, so independent that we are not respecting our men. The reason why we are not respecting our men is that we feel like WE DON'T NEED THEM.... I was in Mapco a couple of weeks ago and saw a Black woman yelling at the top of her lungs at her man over something he forgot to purchase in the store.. pretty much embarrassed the hell out this brother. Most people just looked on because we have become desensitized to this type of behavior. It's expected from Black women. Have you ever heard a black woman on the phone with her "baby daddy?" Was she loud and disrespectful to him? Belittling him in the street? Or maybe, she refuses to allow him to see his children because he's moved on to the next woman. It happens regularly in our society and the cycle continues because our bitter mothers and sisters and aunts and girlfriends encourage this behavior. Black women have the worst attitudes out of any demographic that I've ever witnessed, its like damn are you ever happy? We treat our men like shit and wonder why we get dogged out, cheated on, and left. What GROWN MAN wants to be emasculated and yelled at? What grown man wants to reminded every minute that you don't need him for anything? Too many Black women claim to be independent without realizing that the very definition of independent is: alone. There is a difference between being independent and being self-sufficient. By all means you SHOULD be self sufficient, meaning you take care of yourself. Women brag so much: I have my own place, own car, I take care of my kids, etc. That's what you are SUPPOSED to be doing! It's called being an adult... you don't get credit for being an adult..
I don't blame a man for not wanting to be around a woman who constantly reminds him of his shortcomings and what he has NOT done. Then, when the "good" black men gravitate toward women of other races, they are considered sell-outs. There is a way to balance financial success, career success and a prosperous relationship. There is a way to be forceful at your job, and take the backseat at your home. It takes a proper equilibrium of femininity and tenacity. This is where Black women have dropped the ball. You know, I used to resent black men that dated women of other nationalities but I'm starting to understand! We THOUGHT what they wanted was white women with fair skin and light eyes so we in turn permed our hair straight and put in weaves and contacts... BUT I'm starting to believe it has nothing to do with looks. Apparently it was never that they wanted white women or white features, hell they wanted PEACE in thier homes. it was us who assumed the abandonment was about looks. Stop getting attitudes for no reason, stop treating your MAN like BOY. Our men our kings.. but we know that, we should! Look at all the 'others' tryna scoop em up every chance they get! I'm not saying Black men are faultless but we have to first look in the mirror and realize where we are going wrong.. If I had a nickel every time I heard the words 'Niggas aint shit' come from a females mouth, I'd be in Cancun sipping bubbly right now. There is a serious disconnect between the black man and the black woman and that gap needs to be bridged like.. yesterday.
There are other ways we disrespect our men besides yelling and belittling them. Understand this ladies, no GOOD man wants to see his woman going to the club every weekend with these skintight, short dresses and stilettos, do you ever dress for him like that? Dressing provocatively when you are out and reveling in the attention of other men is the ultimate form of disrespect.. if you feel the need to be all in the club half-naked , then you are certainly not ready to be in a relationship. Not only are you disrespecting him, but more importantly you are disrespecting yourself! Your man will cease to value you if every other man can look at what he feels for his eyes only.
As young black adults, we must stop and take a look at our communities and realize that we can't just be concerned about ourselves. It takes a village...is not just a cliche but a truism. We must stop looking the other way and minding our own business when change is obviously in order.
If you have a man that is good to you, make sure that he knows that he is appreciated.. find out what makes him happy, cook him things he likes to eat, dress up for him.. make him feel special and if he is any kind of man, he will reciprocate. Our brothers need love. They are so dogged by society and stereo-typed and treated like criminals.. they should be able to find comfort in US.
