"You have seen how a man was made a slave; you shall
see how a slave was made a man."
-Frederick Douglass
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Here's the thing, I wrote a post a month or two ago entitled 'The Independent Black Woman Fallacy" outlining the woes that Black men have with Black women. I've gotten enough negative feedback on that post to revisit the issue from another standpoint. People (surprisingly not just women) are telling me that I placed the blame of our quickly deteriorating family structure on Black women and not holding men accountable enough.
Thanks for missing the point.
The reason why I didn't place so much emphasis on the fault of the Black Men is because.. well... isn't that all we ever hear about? Black men are portrayed negatively EVERYWHERE I look around. Anyway, since you asked for it, I will tell you where Black men are falling short... I suppose.
The answer is quite simple actually, Black men are held to a much lower standard than other men. It's almost like we are dismissing the notion that Black men are even capable of being good men. In terms of Black men, people don't say 'good men', instead they say 'good BLACK men'... I HATE the term 'good Black men.' When I hear someone saying,'he's a good Black man', I automatically hear 'he's good FOR a black man.' That's BULLSHIT! Even when it comes to a profession, a White man has to have a high-paying job with status and benefits to be considered a good man. A Black man simply has to have a job. To be a good father, a White man has to provide full-time emotional, physical and financial support for his children. A Black man is called a good father when he buys his son a pair of shoes. If a White man is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, he is considered a catch. If a Black guy is the manager of a chicken shack, he is considered the cream of the crop.
My point is this, Black men are living up to the expectations set for them... none. I hold brothers to a much higher standard than most women, especially that king I call MY man.
On the bright side, there are still PLENTY of good men out there.. who happen to be Black.
It still amazes me to hear Black women say that they can't find good, quality Black men for companionship. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the ratio of women to men in the U.S. is about 145 million women to roughly 139 million men. In more manageable terms- for every 100 sistas, there are about 87 brothas.
Not too bad.
But according to Black women, the best of Black men are either hidden deeply within those 87, or have somehow disappeared within that missing 13. If these men are not physically hidden or totally out of the relationship picture- where are they?
The answer? They're right here. They're over there. They're everywhere!
These sentiments are spoken loudly by the thousands of available Black men who find it illogical to simply state "No good Black men exist." I don't understand the social reasoning behind the female belief that there is a Black male shortage. It appears that women have become so enthralled with the notion of there being a shortage, many don't take the time to notice the Black men who are available. It is here that we begin to explore the depths of the problem.
Women aren't looking for just any guy. They seek men of quality, good character, and substance.. which has nothing to do with numbers. Since guys are supposed to be more logical creatures, they tend to crunch numbers. They also tend to take a more tangible position by believing that 'if they can hear us, touch us, and see us... how can they say there aren't enough of us?'
But ask any woman, she will likely tell you that plenty of brothers exist, but not many with whom she would want to spend quality time. Also, there is an argument from Black women who believe that there are specific reasons for the shortages which brings us back to our 100-Women to 87-Men ratio.
Chances are, Black men who desire White females today, desired them yesterday and will probably desire them for the foreseeable future. We cannot assume that a Black man dates Black women his entire life; has a bad experience; and as a result, decides to explore life with a White female...
Prison
Unfortunately, there are a lot of Black men serving time in local, state and federal prisons. But women must ask themselves, "Why would I want a man who commits crimes serious enough to land him behind bars?"
Unfortunately, there are a lot of Black men serving time in local, state and federal prisons. But women must ask themselves, "Why would I want a man who commits crimes serious enough to land him behind bars?"
Homosexuality
Men who are homosexual, bisexual, or live outside of what society calls, "heterosexual" - make up another medium-sized number since they don't typically seek relationships with women. Strangely enough, there are some bisexual men who also desire to be in heterosexual relationships. However, most heterosexual women don't knowingly choose to date a bisexual man.
27 Black men for 100 black women. Hmmm there's something we are missing... think. think. think.
HOW MANY OF THESE 100 WOMEN CAN WE RULE OUT????
Why are we assuming that EVERY Black woman is even worthy of a good man? Just like we just weeded out a great majority or undesirable Black men, we can do the same for a great majority of Black women. I say it all the time, Black women expect a man to posses qualities they they, themselves, do not have. Here is the statement of the century, so pay attention:
YOU CANNOT FIND A GOOD BLACK MAN IF YOU ARE NOT A GOOD BLACK WOMAN
Period, point blank, get mad and defensive if you want to, I don't mind at all. Yeah I know, the statement alone has some of my sisters ready to throw down in defense of their honor. It’s an understandable albeit knee-jerk reaction to be called out in such blunt fashion. Before you take my head, allow me a few disclaimers.
First, I am not speaking to or talking about every Black woman out there. That would be unfair. So if you read this and feel it does not apply to you, great. I’m certainly not going to argue with you.
Second, I am giving this opinion based on my own personal experiences, which I’ll get to later. I point this out because I don’t want you to think I’m doing little more than standing on a soap box wagging my finger- I don’t like it when people do that to me so I’m not about to do that to you.
Third- this post is not an effort to condemn Black women, but instead to point out where we can do better, regardless of what is going on around us, or if other people are doing their best to be better or not.
With that out of the way, let’s begin.
There has been a lot of talk lately about the state of Black women when it comes to relationships. The mainstream media would have us and everyone else believe that we don’t get married, can’t maintain positive relationships, and so on. It is important to understand that this is a myth, just like most things the media pushes about us. That being said- there is still a very real problem in the relationships Black women are having- or in this case- are not.
There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t see or hear a Black woman talk about her vain attempts to find a “good Black man.” It’s expressed in conversations with their friends, rants on their blogs, and biting comments on twitter and facebook. Here are a few examples:
“Will the real Black men please stand up!”
“What does a sista have to do to find a good Black man, clone Denzel?”
“Ladies, Black men ain’t shit.”
“Like TLC said nigga, I don’t want no scrub, if you make less than $250k a year don’t bother tryin’ to holla.”
“If a Black man doesn’t have a Bentley, a condo, a 401k and a vacation home, he shouldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. FAIL.”
I could go on for pages, but hopefully you get the point. It’s also important to note that these comments come from Black women of varying backgrounds; high school drop out, high level executive of an internationally respected company, middle school teacher, teenager, divorcee, preacher’s daughter- again, hopefully you get the idea. Black women from all walks of life have a rigid view of what makes a Black man “good” and what makes him worthy of her attention, affection, respect or love. This attitude is reflected in their everyday interactions with Black men. I've witnessed countless Black women cuss at or otherwise chastise a brother for looking at her, let alone talking to her or asking how her day is going, let alone trying to ask for her phone number.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw a Black woman cuss at, yell at, roll her eyes at, smack her lips at, scoff at a Black man, I’d be rich.
The truth is, we are the problem. More pointed, our perception of the Black man.
We have embraced a stereotypical, degrading perception of Black men. We have oversimplified their existence by categorizing them as either “good” or “bad”, and even those determinations were based on material things and not the man himself. A lot of women don't really care about Black men; are never compassionate towards them, understanding or supportive.
Sisters stop being selfish & blind, search his heart and you might find that there's royalty just waiting to shine. Black men face A LOT of negativity in this world. The loss of his self-esteem, began with slavery, and it quickly plummeted during segregation. The grading of "F" papers. Putting him in front of the class to be humiliated. Teaching him that the only way he ever existed is through slavery. The constant mental beatdown. Let's love on our men,
“All Black men are good,” I say.
"What about rapists, killers, drug dealers, abusers?" People argue this down in an immature fashion.
"All Black men are good," I hold firm to my stance. "and they deserve to be treated that way, particularly by YOU.”
"Why!?" The retort.
Why? What I am about to say, I want you to absorb with ever fiber of your being, ladies. Don't just read, actually feel it:
"What about rapists, killers, drug dealers, abusers?" People argue this down in an immature fashion.
"All Black men are good," I hold firm to my stance. "and they deserve to be treated that way, particularly by YOU.”
"Why!?" The retort.
Why? What I am about to say, I want you to absorb with ever fiber of your being, ladies. Don't just read, actually feel it:
There is nothing more powerful in the life of a Black man than the love and respect of a Black woman. I have the power to positively affect any Black man I come into contact with.
Speak to every Black man you come across, whether they speak to you first or not. Give a warm smile, ask how they are doing. Nine times out of ten, their faces will light up. If you are in a relationship, I don't mean flirting or trying to engage these men in any other way than a sister talking to her brother, uncle, son, or grandfather.
No matter what they look like, what they wear, how they speak- treat every Black man the same- with deep respect. Of course, some men will try and take the opportunity to ask you out or get your phone number- just let each one down gently and with dignity.
Try to understand that your perception of the Black man was based on external factors; mostly the media and the entertainment industry. Slowly strip these concepts from your mind. Make it your business to understand the history of the Black man as well as his place on the ladder of social stratification. With that knowledge and perspective, make a conscious choice to change.
I accepted that all Black men were “good Black men”… and then I worked hard to treat them accordingly. I smile. I speak. I welcome their random conversations in the grocery store, at the mall or the bus stop. Business men, truck drivers, gang members, artists, students, single fathers, teachers, lawyers- all Black men from all walks of life. OUR men are considered to be the dregs of society, they are looked at as being worthless, criminals, no good.. even by us Black women! I refuse to be apart of that.
Black men struggle. Black men fall down. Black men fail (for a host of internal and external factors) to reach their potential. Nevertheless, am I my brothers keeper? Yes I am.
I hope this has helped you to understand my position, and I hope that Black women don't take this the wrong way, like they did the other post. Look, I can't help it!
I LOVE BLACK MEN!!!
Let's love on our men, it is not too late to recapture Eve's responsibility.
